American Omnibus

Five surgeons were discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table  because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered. ”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians!  Everything inside them is color-coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the  best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order. ”

The fourth surgeon chimes in with, “You know, I like construction workers.  Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. ”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, “You’re all wrong!  Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine.  Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.”

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would  even answer the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.  Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.  When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.”

“And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

 An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch, then starts putting on his coat.

 His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She says, “Why, are you sick?”
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”
Immediately, the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

 He says, Where the hell are you going?”
She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”
He says, “Why, what the hell do you need?”

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