American Omnibus

Drunker than skunks, Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident and go to Hell.

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’  

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat even more.

They both look at the devil in s urprise and say, ‘Vell, don’t ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.’

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.  She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.  As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

‘Are you the manager?’ she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

 ’Actually, no,’ he replied.

 ’Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,’ she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

‘I’m afraid I can’t,’ breathed the bartender. ‘Is there anything I can do?’

‘Yes. I need you to give him a message,’ she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

‘What should I tell him?’ the bartender managed to say.

‘Tell him,’ she whispered, ‘There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan .  While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend.  In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and wanted to break up with him; plus, she wanted the pictures of herself back.

“I don’t remember which one you are.  Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”

Four married guys go fishing.  After about an hour the following conversation takes place:

The first fisherman exclaims, “You have no idea what I had to do to go fishing this weekend.  I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend!”

The second fisherman says, “That’s nothing!  I had to promise my wife that I would build a new deck for the swimming pool!”

The third fisherman replies, “Man, you guys both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her!”

They continue to fish for a while until they realized the fourth fisherman had not said a word.  So they ask him, “What’s the deal?  You haven’t said a word about what you had to do to go fishing!”

The fourth fisherman answers, “Well, I set my alarm for 5:00 am.  When the alarm went off I gave the wife a nudge and said, ‘Fishing or Sex?‘ and she replied, ‘Wear a sweater!‘”

Five surgeons were discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table  because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered. ”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians!  Everything inside them is color-coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the  best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order. ”

The fourth surgeon chimes in with, “You know, I like construction workers.  Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. ”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, “You’re all wrong!  Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine.  Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.”

 Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,”Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation.  Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different.  The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.  Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.  Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.  Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob replies, “This year I’m taking Earlene with me.“

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin .”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow.  I’ll come down after close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

 After the store was locked up, the boss comes down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”

 The kid says, “One”.

 The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”

The kid says “$121,237.65″.

 The boss says “$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”

 The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him over to the  automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Diesel Excursion.”

The boss says, “A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT? AND A TRUCK????”

The kid says, “Well no, the guy came in to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Dude, your week is shot, you should go fishing’!”

Dear Mom & Dad,

 Our  Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the  flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got  drowned  because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam  when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother  and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast.  I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We  never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the  lightning. 

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at  Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he  probably didn’t hear him.  Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?   The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.   Matthew is going to look weird until his hair  grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if  Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed.  It wasn’t his fault  about the wreck.  The brakes worked okay when we left.  Scoutmaster  Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect  something to break down;  that’s probably why he can’t get insurance.  We think it’s a neat bus.  He  doesn’t care if we get it dirty and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in  a bus made for 24.  He let us take turns riding in the trailer  until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.  Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy.  Don’t  worry, he is a good driver.  In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to  drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any cops.  All we ever see up there are big logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn’t let me  because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink  because of his cast… it’s concrete because we didn’t have any  plaster, so he let us take the canoe out.  It was great.  You can  still see some of the trees under the water from the  flood.  Scoutmaster Keith isn’t crabby like  some scoutmasters.  He didn’t even get mad about the life  jackets.  He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we  are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed  our first aid merit badges.  When Andrew dove into the lake  and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.  Steven and I threw up, but  Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning  from the leftover chicken. He said he got sick that way with food he ate in prison.  I’m so glad he got out and became our  scoutmaster.  He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his  time.

I have to go now. We are going to  town to mail our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.   Don’t worry about anything.  We are fine and tonight it’s my turn  to sleep in the Scoutmaster’s tent.

Love,

Jimmy

Two nuns were shopping at a grocery store.  As they passed by the beer, wine, and liquor section,  Sister Mary asks Sister Sarah if she likes beer.

Sister Sarah confesses that she does indeed like the brew,  but would feel very uncomfortable about purchasing it.  Sister Mary replied that she could take care of that problem, and picks up a six-pack and takes it to the cashier.

Noticing the cashier’s surprised look, Sister Mary says, ‘This is for washing our hair.”

Without hesitation, the cashier reaches under the counter,  and puts a bag of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer and says, “The curlers are on me!”
 

…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

…do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

…do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery“?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice“?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes, why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost.  He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted  “Excuse me, can you help me?  I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You’re between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 11 5 degrees west longitude.

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist,  “Everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information.  The fact is, I’m still lost.  Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all.  If anything, you’ve just delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded,  “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “But how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going.  You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.  You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.  The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you’ve managed to make it my fault.”

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is none the less dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile! because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word service:

“It’s the act of doing things for other people.”

Then I heard these terms which reference the word service:

    Internal Revenue Service
    Postal Service
    Telephone Service
    Civil Service
    City & County Public Service
    Customer Service
    Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word service .  This is not what I thought service meant.

So just today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to service a few of his cows. 

WHAM!  It all came into perspective.  Now I understand what all those service agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am!

In 2004, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of the penis was bigger than the rest of it.  After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead. 

Need a Research Assistant?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I come home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me hours for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, slam the lid and use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, ‘WHO WANTS SOME????!!!’  She acts like she’s sound asleep Every Time!!!”

I left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, I ended up partying with the boys all weekend. When I finally returned home on Sunday night, my wife really got on my case.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming,  she paused, pointed at me, and made an offer I couldn’t refuse!  “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?”…..

I couldn’t believe my luck.  I looked up, smiled, and retorted, “That would suit me just fine!!”

Monday went by, and I didn’t see my wife.  Tuesday and Wednesday went by and I still didn’t see her.

By Thursday, the swelling finally went down a bit and I could see her a little, out of the corner of my right eye.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
 
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.  The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
 
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
 
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.  On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.  He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
 
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me”.
 
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
 
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
 
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”
 
“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
 
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, your ass is mine.”
 
He lost 63 pounds that week!

Click Here for Real No Nonsense Weight Loss and Muscle Building

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.  While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”

The man thought about it for a minute and told the undertaker that he would rather have her shipped home.

The undertaker, in disbelief, asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and you would spend  only $150?”

The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can’t take that chance.”

1.  You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2.  You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4.  You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5.  Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6.  You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if  anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7.  Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of  the screen.

8.  Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your  life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10.  You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11.  You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :   )  

12.  You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13.  Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to email this message.

14.  You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15.  You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

~~~~~And  Finally~~~~~

Now, you are LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, email this to your friends. You know you want to!